I went to detox 2x. The first time it did not take, I did not stop, the second time I went from detox to rehab and stayed in rehab for 30 days then went to a long term residential facility for 8 plus months. I was on suboxone for the entire time.  Even so, my life was still miserable, I hated every day I existed. On top of that I became addicted to Suboxone, have you ever heard stories of trying to get off of Subutex? Its just as miserable as the withdrawals from Oxys. When I cam back home from 8 months in extended stay rehab, I had a difficult time getting my medication. The doctors here in Florida dont like to prescribe it without my being in a program. I had to drive by 8:00 am every morning to stand in line at a storefront clinic near my home with:  a lock box, (with lock)  a special code number , my government ID and exact cash of $26.00. Whereupon I was given exactly one dose of medication for the day. I was watched while I swallowed it: No pre-pay, no insurance, no credit card, nothing and if you forgot one of these items you were screwed for the day. this was as much of an impediment to getting and keeping clean as I could think of. I lasted less than 30 days. I returned to the easier life of buying from my dealers, they were kinder, more interesting, didn't care what time I wanted to do a deal and didn't make me drive anywhere. Oh and they now take online payments as well as cash and hey if I was short, no problem there either. No id needed and they didn't make me feel like a tremendous imposition. So, how could I not fall? I struggled for a while I did not fall over that quickly, I wavered, but then came Covid, the lock down  and it was all she wrote for me. In addition, we (My domestic partner and I) had just settled a big case two weeks before the lockdown so when it came, we were fine. We just ordered and it showed up and thats all I was never going to go back to that horrible clinic again. 
 I am not depressed, I am just completely addicted to opioids. I don't "use" to get "high" I take the minimum amount I can in order not to experience withdrawal. Sometimes, I do take more than that just to feel a short term shot of feeling good rather than fatigued and miserable. Or I get anxious about something and I take more than I should to quell the butterflies. I know there is medication out there that will combat these issue as well as meditation and therapy but its hard to get on any of these programs when they find heroin in your system. I don't want to be addicted, I want to be clean and free but feel good about it, I want to be happy and travel, see my children and my mom. I can do it if I had a chance but the withdrawals at this point are too much, too painful and way too intense. 
I hope you can help me and maybe we can help my husband/partner who does not seem as interested in getting clean as I am. I guess he's seen me go though hell in rehab and to what end? So, he says screw it, I'm not going through that, I cant blame him. But I have a life left to live and I want to live it I want to give it a chance and I truly believe this is the only way through your clinic. 
So, if you can get back to me on those questions, I would greatly appreciate it.
