My drug problem was out of control from 2004-2012 which is when I finally went to prison for 3 years for trafficking. I thought about using constantly for about 18 months until one day I looked around in disgust and thought to myself “I don’t want to come back here more than I want to get high” and just like that I stopped thinking about it. I got out in 2015 and I still drank and was normal and it was fine. Aside from a serious neck injury that sparked a few month relapse in 2017 I had been clean off drugs until June 2020 when my boyfriend passed away. It was too much for me to handle- coupled with lockdowns and covid bullshit I was severely depressed and I still am. I detoxed myself last spring with suboxone and it was brutal I couldn’t keep food down for a month which, in the past prior to going to prison my habit was so bad my PAWS was crippling and I did ibogaine in 2011. Back then I shot up. Now I only sniff and the amount of drugs I use comparatively speaking is nothing compared to back then which is why I was so perplexed about how awful that home detox was. Now I have a real job and I can’t take time off to go through that again especially knowing how I’m gonna feel when it’s over- my life is still going to suck and my boyfriend is still going to be dead so i really don’t know how I’m supposed to go through my shit life without drugs- it’s the only thing I have that I enjoy- it’s the only thing that makes me happy when I wake up and the only thing that makes my life tolerable 