Started getting clinical depression symptoms back at the end of 2016. At first they would come every few weeks in cycles where I would be stuck in bed not wanting to be alive anymore for several days until it attenuated. I began seeing a psychiatrist as soon as I recognized that it was depression and how badly it was starting to affect my life. Tried numerous medications and nothing was working. I had some hydrocodone lying around from some prior surgeries/injuries and figured I'd try it during these episodes. I had been on opioid painkillers numerous times in the past before I ever had depression and never had any addiction problems with them, always took them as directed and only as needed, etc.

The hydrocodone immediately attenuated the suicidal thoughts and depression symptoms as soon as it kicked in and it was the only medication that allowed me to be functional while nothing else was working. I was able to get out of bed, work on my business, go to the gym, and live my life. Since the depression only happened periodically in the beginning, I only took the hydros when I felt it coming on (so once every few weeks). I kept seeing my psychiatrist, trying different medications, saw several therapists, but the depression only continued to cripple me even more. It went from once every few weeks to once a week, then several times a week, and over the subsequent years, it was an everyday occurrence. Since hydro/oxycodone were the only medications that actually did anything for me and allowed me to work and make money, continue going to the gym, and live a productive life not stuck in bed, I kept taking them as the depression got worse until I was using them every day as well. Since addiction was never my main problem but was rather a symptom of the problem, my hope was that eventually I'd find something that got me out of the suicidal depression I was in every day, and then I'd be able to stop the opioids just like I easily stopped them every time my physical injuries healed when I was on them in the past. I never took them for the high or the euphoria or anything like that; rather I took them because of what they made me *not* feel.

By 2019 is when I was taking the opioids every day, and by the end of that year, my tolerance had increased so much that I was taking &gt;1,000mg of oxycodone per day. I had tried numerous attempts over the years to get onto suboxone to see if I'd be functional on that, but while it may have somewhat lessened the withdrawal symptoms I now had, it did nothing for the depression and left me back crippled in my bed every time. So I was stuck in a position of having to take the oxy so that I could work and support myself since after 3 years and countless medications from my doctor, not a single thing even put a minuscule dent in the depression. And even though I still felt depressed and suicidal on the oxy, it blocked it enough so that I could at least be productive and functional with my days.

Sometime around the end of 2019/beginning of 2020 is when I had just accepted that I was going to die from it. I was abjectly miserable by this point and felt like I had been sucked into a black hole of emptiness that I was never going to escape from. It was around this time that even the opioids couldn't get me out of bed, so I knew the end was close and I was planning on overdosing at some point in the near future. I didn't have a day planned or anything like that; I think I was just going to "accidentally" take too much one day soon and peacefully drift off so I could have it be over with.

I'm not sure what stopped me honestly, but around late May of 2020 I was still here and I decided to give it one last shot. The first step was to give the suboxone enough time to see what my baseline mental state was at this point without the help of the full agonist opioids. I had to start out at the highest dose of 32mg/day of suboxone, and after 10+ months I had tapered down to around 4mg per day, but I wasn't feeling any better. I rarely ever left my bed during those days (and I still don't for that matter), and it was like my brain was simply offline and I had no cognition or energy to be productive like I did on the hydro/oxy and before all of this even started. During that 10+ months, I never took any opioids (other than the suboxone), but I was getting extremely frustrated by now and wanted to be done with the subs for good to see if my mental state would clear up (I read a lot of stories from people online who were on suboxone and felt the same way I did where it was just like their brains wouldn't work at all). My psychiatrist had me try one of those bridge devices that you hook to your ear, and I made it 10 days without any subs (not easily at all), but the depression had intensified and hit me so damn hard that I got some hydrocodone to give me some relief (I was back to feeling extremely suicidal). I only took the hydros for a few days, but during those days, I was finally out of bed and went to the gym and felt the best I had since I permanently got on the suboxone 10 months prior. I didn't want to go back to taking opioids every day since I was still motivated to let my system fully clear out and reset itself, so I got back on the suboxone and this time I only needed around 2mg per day (the 10 days off of them finally allowed me to break through that 4mg barrier I was stuck at).

So this was all in like April/May of 2021, and here I am now at the beginning of 2022, I still feel just as miserable, and I'm stuck at around 2mg of suboxone per day. I still have absolutely no cognitive or physical energy and I spend almost every moment of my existence in my bed. I can't work, I have periods where I go to the gym but it feels extremely forced and I don't get that positive and healthy endorphin release that I used to get (I have always loved working out, so it was never anything I felt like I had to force. I used to wake up everyday excited to go to the gym, now I wake up and just stay in bed because of what I described already). I just see my life drifting away one day at a time, and I cannot take it anymore. I have always been an extremely motivated person with a lot of goals; I went from running a successful business, working out and eating healthy every day, and studying to go to medical school (I had just finished my BS in biomedical science in 2016 before the depression and subsequent issues all hit me, and I was in the process of studying to take the MCAT along with running my business full time; so motivation and drive have never been an issue for me), to where I am now, which is confined to a bed basically 24/7. I was feeling very positive about where I was at and where I was headed in life back then, so I don't know why the depression came on and hit me as hard as it did, but that's where I am today.

I feel like this treatment is my last hope, and if it doesn't work, then nothing probably will.